It turns out, someone had stolen my wallet while I was at church. The Pastor called me today and said his wife found my wallet in the main part of the church. So someone stole it, took the money, but had an attack of conscience and brought the actual wallet back to the church.
Even though I know it's a bit ironic that my wallet was stolen in church, I know God was behind all this. I learned a good lesson, a heart lesson when I lost my wallet. I'll be doing my best to remember it now that I have it back.
On a sidenote, I was getting used to the idea of buying a new wallet (I've had this one for three years), so I think I'll buy a new wallet anyway.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Lost and Found
...mostly lost.
Yesterday I lost my wallet. I might have lost it in a taxi, or it might have been stolen from me in church (I am not lost on the irony however), but either way it's gone. Money can be replaced, the cards can be replaced over time, but I kept a lot of sentimental things in there that I'm afraid I'll never get back. So, I'm going to list these sentimental things here and why they are so, in case I forget.
Ich bin Geleibt - I am loved (in German) pin: I gave these out during our run of Cabaret at PAI. I'd all but forgotten about it, when I read that Dom used to have that pin on her, and it would remind her that she is loved as well. I put it in my wallet, to remember that I am loved, and to remember all the love I have for others.
Lost:
Dom's Prayer Card - Dominique passed away May 13th 2007. I put her prayer card in my wallet to remember her, but also what her passing stood for, for me, in my mind. We weren't there for her, she needed us, and we weren't there. I know there's nothing I could have done, but there is something I can do: make sure it never happens again. It reminds me to let people know how much I care for them, that I am thinking about them, and I am glad they're here. It reminds me that I have to be strong, that I have to help keep a group of people together even when we drift so far apart. And finally it reminds me to love myself, the way I am, because I am beautiful.
London Tube Map and Oyster Card - I put this in here when I was in London for a few days in the summer of 2007, before I went to Ireland. I carried them around with me everywhere like a child, just in case I was going to London unexpectedly. I didn't care that it was stupid or pointless. I love that city. I love everything about that city. I loved the semester I spent there. It shaped a lot of my adult life, insomuch as I screwed up so many times in London that it helped me learn how to get it right when I got back.
A Ticket to See Riverdance - I went to see Riverdance when I spent a month in Ireland. While I was there, I sort of hated it - the weather was the worst weather I had ever experienced. But I had so much fun with the people, and I learned a lot in class. It reminded me I want to go back, and travel around that funny, quirky island some more.
My University ID - I'm very upset about this. I was planning on using this ID anytime I wanted to rush a Broadway show. I still look like the picture, and could probably pass as a college student for my $26.50 ticket. Even though I'm a contributing member of society, I don't have $115 to spend on one ticket to one show. Or if I did, you better be damn sure it's my favorite.
Assorted Business Cards - A Class Act Auto Shop: The best body shop I went to in Philly. These guys were awesome, never cheated me, and treated Rhonda like she was a princess. The Elephant and Castle: A restaurant in Dublin, delicious fucking breakfast. The business card of this random man Sarah and I met when we went for dollar margaritas at a restaurant in Savannah. I don't remember his name or what he did, but he was drunk and it was funny.
And Found:
As I was compiling this list, I realized that these are all things that are from outside my home. Except for PAI, but PAI floats in another time-space continuum wherein it is everywhere and everyone's home. But I realized these are all things from my travels, because two important and wonderful people are missing from these memories, and then I realized I've never traveled with them. I have so many memories of these two wonderful people, I don't need something physical to remind me. Granted my travels are finite, while my time with my two best friends is (hopefully) infinite. And then I thought, at first when I had Dom's prayer card in my wallet, I would look at it, and think about her all the time. But time passes, and those feelings of grief inevitably lessen, and I would think about her less and less when I opened my wallet - but I found myself thinking about her more and more at other times. The London Tube Map and Oyster Card can be replaced the next time I travel to London, because what they really remind me of is that there is always a next time I will travel to London. I don't need a piece of paper or plastic to remind me of that, I know it in my heart.
I do wish I had my Ich Bin Geleibt pin, because sometimes it's hard to remember you're loved. It's always harder to remember those true and good things than the petty, small, evil things that enter our heads. But really, that pin was just a reminder of something I know in my heart - I am loved, and I deserve that love. Sometimes I forget that, but those times are so black that no pin could bring me back, only I could bring myself back.
And that's what I have. I have myself. I am a vessel filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with love. My wallet was the representation of those memories, that longing, hope, and love. But those things aren't real, they're idols. I am real. I am not the representation of longing, I am longing. I am not the representation of hope, I am hope. I am not the representation of love, I am the product of love. I am found.
Yesterday I lost my wallet. I might have lost it in a taxi, or it might have been stolen from me in church (I am not lost on the irony however), but either way it's gone. Money can be replaced, the cards can be replaced over time, but I kept a lot of sentimental things in there that I'm afraid I'll never get back. So, I'm going to list these sentimental things here and why they are so, in case I forget.
Ich bin Geleibt - I am loved (in German) pin: I gave these out during our run of Cabaret at PAI. I'd all but forgotten about it, when I read that Dom used to have that pin on her, and it would remind her that she is loved as well. I put it in my wallet, to remember that I am loved, and to remember all the love I have for others.
Lost:
Dom's Prayer Card - Dominique passed away May 13th 2007. I put her prayer card in my wallet to remember her, but also what her passing stood for, for me, in my mind. We weren't there for her, she needed us, and we weren't there. I know there's nothing I could have done, but there is something I can do: make sure it never happens again. It reminds me to let people know how much I care for them, that I am thinking about them, and I am glad they're here. It reminds me that I have to be strong, that I have to help keep a group of people together even when we drift so far apart. And finally it reminds me to love myself, the way I am, because I am beautiful.
London Tube Map and Oyster Card - I put this in here when I was in London for a few days in the summer of 2007, before I went to Ireland. I carried them around with me everywhere like a child, just in case I was going to London unexpectedly. I didn't care that it was stupid or pointless. I love that city. I love everything about that city. I loved the semester I spent there. It shaped a lot of my adult life, insomuch as I screwed up so many times in London that it helped me learn how to get it right when I got back.
A Ticket to See Riverdance - I went to see Riverdance when I spent a month in Ireland. While I was there, I sort of hated it - the weather was the worst weather I had ever experienced. But I had so much fun with the people, and I learned a lot in class. It reminded me I want to go back, and travel around that funny, quirky island some more.
My University ID - I'm very upset about this. I was planning on using this ID anytime I wanted to rush a Broadway show. I still look like the picture, and could probably pass as a college student for my $26.50 ticket. Even though I'm a contributing member of society, I don't have $115 to spend on one ticket to one show. Or if I did, you better be damn sure it's my favorite.
Assorted Business Cards - A Class Act Auto Shop: The best body shop I went to in Philly. These guys were awesome, never cheated me, and treated Rhonda like she was a princess. The Elephant and Castle: A restaurant in Dublin, delicious fucking breakfast. The business card of this random man Sarah and I met when we went for dollar margaritas at a restaurant in Savannah. I don't remember his name or what he did, but he was drunk and it was funny.
And Found:
As I was compiling this list, I realized that these are all things that are from outside my home. Except for PAI, but PAI floats in another time-space continuum wherein it is everywhere and everyone's home. But I realized these are all things from my travels, because two important and wonderful people are missing from these memories, and then I realized I've never traveled with them. I have so many memories of these two wonderful people, I don't need something physical to remind me. Granted my travels are finite, while my time with my two best friends is (hopefully) infinite. And then I thought, at first when I had Dom's prayer card in my wallet, I would look at it, and think about her all the time. But time passes, and those feelings of grief inevitably lessen, and I would think about her less and less when I opened my wallet - but I found myself thinking about her more and more at other times. The London Tube Map and Oyster Card can be replaced the next time I travel to London, because what they really remind me of is that there is always a next time I will travel to London. I don't need a piece of paper or plastic to remind me of that, I know it in my heart.
I do wish I had my Ich Bin Geleibt pin, because sometimes it's hard to remember you're loved. It's always harder to remember those true and good things than the petty, small, evil things that enter our heads. But really, that pin was just a reminder of something I know in my heart - I am loved, and I deserve that love. Sometimes I forget that, but those times are so black that no pin could bring me back, only I could bring myself back.
And that's what I have. I have myself. I am a vessel filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with love. My wallet was the representation of those memories, that longing, hope, and love. But those things aren't real, they're idols. I am real. I am not the representation of longing, I am longing. I am not the representation of hope, I am hope. I am not the representation of love, I am the product of love. I am found.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
All my other blog posts have concerned themselves with some aspect of traveling, or being in another country, or something...but this one is a little different.
I started going to a Presbyterian church here in Gwangju. I basically gave up on finding the Roman Catholic one, but I found a Presby one so I figured....same book, same God, can't do any harm. I actually kind of like it, too...which is weird because I'm a big Roman Catholic-loving nerd. It's less structured, which is weird...but there's singing at the beginning and I like that. And the sermon is usually ok. If there was a movie made about this church, it would be one of those Royal Tennenbaum-weird-character-driven movies; everyone is a little bit off and I like that, I'm a little bit off.
Anyway, during the sermon this past week, I was reading through the Bible because they get a little long and I'm working on the attention span, but I definitely don't have it down yet. I was reading the end of the book of Ephesians wherein Paul says (in the King James version):
"14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
I was reading this, and everything seemed hunkydorey...breastplate of righteousness, that makes sense, feet shod for the gospel of peace also makes sense, shield of faith and sword of the Spirit check check...then why are we putting on a helmet of Salvation, but we're girting our loins with truth? I went back and reread the verse thinking, maybe we get two helmets? One for truth and one for Salvation? To my confusion, truth is protecting our loins.
I thought, at first, that truth should protect our minds - isn't that where we figure truth out? But then I realized Paul hit the nail on the head, or the loins rather. When we know something is true, we know it in our gut. We've renamed it intuition, but really it's truth, the truth that matters. There is truth in our heads, scientific research, things we see with our eyes, but there is truth in our gut too. That truth we can't see or touch, but it's truth we feel - and it's a far more important truth. We can't see that someone loves us, we can't test them, but we can feel it, it is truth.
That is the kind of intangible truth we feel in our loins, and we must girt it - encircle it, surround it - because it is the easiest to lose, or rather bury, or hide. But we must encircle it, to make sure it doesn't go anywhere. We cannot reason the loin truth with our mind truth, we will end up doubting one or the other, or both; which is the end goal when evil acts.
When Paul says girt your loins with truth - he means protect the truth residing there, but he also means protect your loins with truth. Once one lie weaves its way down into your belly, it opens up a channel for all other lies to live and fester there. Even though that is where our most basic and important truths live, they are the most fragile truths as well.
I think a universal girting of loins would help. It helps us keep our loin-truth at the front of our minds where it should be, rather pushed down to the back and degraded to intuition. Though seeking loin-truth, and trusting it does not bring happiness (no truth seeking brings happiness), it can bring peace of mind, and we all need a little more peace of mind...or of loins.
I started going to a Presbyterian church here in Gwangju. I basically gave up on finding the Roman Catholic one, but I found a Presby one so I figured....same book, same God, can't do any harm. I actually kind of like it, too...which is weird because I'm a big Roman Catholic-loving nerd. It's less structured, which is weird...but there's singing at the beginning and I like that. And the sermon is usually ok. If there was a movie made about this church, it would be one of those Royal Tennenbaum-weird-character-driven movies; everyone is a little bit off and I like that, I'm a little bit off.
Anyway, during the sermon this past week, I was reading through the Bible because they get a little long and I'm working on the attention span, but I definitely don't have it down yet. I was reading the end of the book of Ephesians wherein Paul says (in the King James version):
"14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit..."I was reading this, and everything seemed hunkydorey...breastplate of righteousness, that makes sense, feet shod for the gospel of peace also makes sense, shield of faith and sword of the Spirit check check...then why are we putting on a helmet of Salvation, but we're girting our loins with truth? I went back and reread the verse thinking, maybe we get two helmets? One for truth and one for Salvation? To my confusion, truth is protecting our loins.
I thought, at first, that truth should protect our minds - isn't that where we figure truth out? But then I realized Paul hit the nail on the head, or the loins rather. When we know something is true, we know it in our gut. We've renamed it intuition, but really it's truth, the truth that matters. There is truth in our heads, scientific research, things we see with our eyes, but there is truth in our gut too. That truth we can't see or touch, but it's truth we feel - and it's a far more important truth. We can't see that someone loves us, we can't test them, but we can feel it, it is truth.
That is the kind of intangible truth we feel in our loins, and we must girt it - encircle it, surround it - because it is the easiest to lose, or rather bury, or hide. But we must encircle it, to make sure it doesn't go anywhere. We cannot reason the loin truth with our mind truth, we will end up doubting one or the other, or both; which is the end goal when evil acts.
When Paul says girt your loins with truth - he means protect the truth residing there, but he also means protect your loins with truth. Once one lie weaves its way down into your belly, it opens up a channel for all other lies to live and fester there. Even though that is where our most basic and important truths live, they are the most fragile truths as well.
I think a universal girting of loins would help. It helps us keep our loin-truth at the front of our minds where it should be, rather pushed down to the back and degraded to intuition. Though seeking loin-truth, and trusting it does not bring happiness (no truth seeking brings happiness), it can bring peace of mind, and we all need a little more peace of mind...or of loins.
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