Lost and Found

...mostly lost.

Yesterday I lost my wallet. I might have lost it in a taxi, or it might have been stolen from me in church (I am not lost on the irony however), but either way it's gone. Money can be replaced, the cards can be replaced over time, but I kept a lot of sentimental things in there that I'm afraid I'll never get back. So, I'm going to list these sentimental things here and why they are so, in case I forget.

Ich bin Geleibt - I am loved (in German) pin: I gave these out during our run of Cabaret at PAI. I'd all but forgotten about it, when I read that Dom used to have that pin on her, and it would remind her that she is loved as well. I put it in my wallet, to remember that I am loved, and to remember all the love I have for others.

Lost:

Dom's Prayer Card - Dominique passed away May 13th 2007. I put her prayer card in my wallet to remember her, but also what her passing stood for, for me, in my mind. We weren't there for her, she needed us, and we weren't there. I know there's nothing I could have done, but there is something I can do: make sure it never happens again. It reminds me to let people know how much I care for them, that I am thinking about them, and I am glad they're here. It reminds me that I have to be strong, that I have to help keep a group of people together even when we drift so far apart. And finally it reminds me to love myself, the way I am, because I am beautiful.

London Tube Map and Oyster Card - I put this in here when I was in London for a few days in the summer of 2007, before I went to Ireland. I carried them around with me everywhere like a child, just in case I was going to London unexpectedly. I didn't care that it was stupid or pointless. I love that city. I love everything about that city. I loved the semester I spent there. It shaped a lot of my adult life, insomuch as I screwed up so many times in London that it helped me learn how to get it right when I got back.

A Ticket to See Riverdance - I went to see Riverdance when I spent a month in Ireland. While I was there, I sort of hated it - the weather was the worst weather I had ever experienced. But I had so much fun with the people, and I learned a lot in class. It reminded me I want to go back, and travel around that funny, quirky island some more.

My University ID - I'm very upset about this. I was planning on using this ID anytime I wanted to rush a Broadway show. I still look like the picture, and could probably pass as a college student for my $26.50 ticket. Even though I'm a contributing member of society, I don't have $115 to spend on one ticket to one show. Or if I did, you better be damn sure it's my favorite.

Assorted Business Cards - A Class Act Auto Shop: The best body shop I went to in Philly. These guys were awesome, never cheated me, and treated Rhonda like she was a princess. The Elephant and Castle: A restaurant in Dublin, delicious fucking breakfast. The business card of this random man Sarah and I met when we went for dollar margaritas at a restaurant in Savannah. I don't remember his name or what he did, but he was drunk and it was funny.

And Found:

As I was compiling this list, I realized that these are all things that are from outside my home. Except for PAI, but PAI floats in another time-space continuum wherein it is everywhere and everyone's home. But I realized these are all things from my travels, because two important and wonderful people are missing from these memories, and then I realized I've never traveled with them. I have so many memories of these two wonderful people, I don't need something physical to remind me. Granted my travels are finite, while my time with my two best friends is (hopefully) infinite. And then I thought, at first when I had Dom's prayer card in my wallet, I would look at it, and think about her all the time. But time passes, and those feelings of grief inevitably lessen, and I would think about her less and less when I opened my wallet - but I found myself thinking about her more and more at other times. The London Tube Map and Oyster Card can be replaced the next time I travel to London, because what they really remind me of is that there is always a next time I will travel to London. I don't need a piece of paper or plastic to remind me of that, I know it in my heart.

I do wish I had my Ich Bin Geleibt pin, because sometimes it's hard to remember you're loved. It's always harder to remember those true and good things than the petty, small, evil things that enter our heads. But really, that pin was just a reminder of something I know in my heart - I am loved, and I deserve that love. Sometimes I forget that, but those times are so black that no pin could bring me back, only I could bring myself back.

And that's what I have. I have myself. I am a vessel filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with love. My wallet was the representation of those memories, that longing, hope, and love. But those things aren't real, they're idols. I am real. I am not the representation of longing, I am longing. I am not the representation of hope, I am hope. I am not the representation of love, I am the product of love. I am found.